A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick and balls in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks. 

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

Yeah but I wasn't the only one using the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and I when went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't tattle.

 BENJAMIN
 You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

 Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right on him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet. 

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this. 

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

It looked exactly how I thought it would.


OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis did not display the characteristics we're looking for. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt! 

GORDON 
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit! 

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

No, I am white and I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

Zero chance of that being true. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are? Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying. 

ANDRE

All of you are lying. 

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP

I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.    

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN

You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY

Yeah.

BENJAMIN

NO Jeremy.

GORDON 

Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE

Jeremy, go to your room!

JEREMY

I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP

and why not?

JEREMY

Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP
Questions?

JEREMY
They'll want to know why I am always in Benjamin's room. 

BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess.

INT-KITCHEN

Conrad and Andre are in the kitchen, Officer Karp is out back having a smoke, Benjamin and Gordon are in the living room, Jeremy is in the background looking closely at the walls, lifting up shoes, staring at the ground, digging around in every nook he comes across. Everyone is watching everyone else.

Andre is sitting at the table eating cereal, Conrad sits next to him. He speaks like someone who doesn't want to be heard by other ears, hiding behind the cereal box as best he can.

CONRAD

We need to talk.
What are your thoughts on what just went down in there?

ANDRE

I think you're the one who put a picture of his dick on the internet.

CONRAD

Wrong, I stopped doing that a while ago.

That's not what we need to talk about. 

ANDRE

Alright, what then?

CONRAD

This box of bugs. Can you believe we have something like that in play now?

ANDRE

I don't like bugs Conrad.

CONRAD

I don't like knowing that someone like Jeremy has a box FULL of bugs at his disposal. What if he wanted to weaponize this?

ANDRE

Is that what you'd do?

CONRAD

YES! and you'd be afraid to cross me. You could wake up one night to find me standing over you with a box full of spiders in my hand. We can't have a weapon like that in this house.

ANDRE

It's like the nuclear option. Just knowing he has that capability..

CONRAD
To cover you in bugs.

ANDRE
Yes. He's not someone I'd trust with that kind of power. With ANY kind of power. 

CONRAD

Then let's team up, lets find that box because you know those two can't be trusted with it. 
(pointing to Benjamin and Gordon in the living room)

GORDON
(voice from the living room)
Why you pointing at me? It wasn't my dick Conrad.

ANDRE

I am with you on one condition, we destroy the box of bugs when we find it.

CONRAD

Of course.

Conrad straightens up in his chair to answer, as he comes out from behind the cereal box he was using for cover he's startled and horrified to find Jeremy sitting right beside him, clutching something in his hand. 

CONRAD

Gaahhh! What are you doing?

JEREMY

I caught a bug.

CONRAD

Are you holding it in your bare hands?

JEREMY

So? Its just a potato bug see?

Jeremy opens his palm right near Conrad's face.

CONRAD

Bah!

Conrad slaps away Jeremy's hand sending his bug flying onto Andre. Andre jumps up and screams.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He flails away in a panic.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHH!!

.........

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

.........

AHHHH!

.........

Wait. This is a raisin. 

In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.

GORDON

I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON

You just have that kind of face.

Officer Karp enters the room from the outside, flinging away his cigarette. He sighs.

OFFICER KARP

When I took this job I thought I scored the sweetest gig in the department. I can be a probationary officer where all my responsibilities fall under one roof, no more driving all over the city to check in with you people. I thought I had it pretty good. But now here I am, about to give three grown men a penis inspection and I am left feeling pretty awful about myself and the decisions that led me here. Who wants to go first?

GORDON

Umm nobody.

OFFICER KARP

Gordon, thanks for volunteering. Benjamin you're next, then Conrad. We'll go into the other room, just let me print out a picture of the penis in question for comparison.

BENJAMIN

This is SICK!

OFFICER KARP

Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think anyone want's to see YOUR penis?

BENJAMIN

Why'd you say it like that? Mine's NORMAL! Don't listen to Gordon.

GORDON

 Everybody thinks your dick is weird. 
Andre do you think his dick is weird?

ANDRE
Yeah probably. 

 

OFFICER KARP

I am tired of hearing the word dick. Gordon let's get this over with.

GORDON

 What? You want me to just go in there and flash you?

OFFICER KARP

Just like a doctor's physical Gordon, there's nothing sexual about this.

GORDON

Yet this still feels like I am a call girl who has to show herself to some weird businessman. I am not touching myself.

OFFICER KARP

I DON'T WANT YOU TO!

Gordon reluctantly leaves into the other room with Officer Karp, Benjamin knows he's next and he's very stressed out at the idea. Conrad turns to Andre.

CONRAD

This is my chance. Keep Jeremy busy, I am going to go search his room.

DOPE - Episode 2

EXT – Forest/Night

Rooney, Ervin and Randall are running through a forest towards a lonely, secluded little cabin. It's in a dilapidated condition, all three men are panicked and show signs of a struggle. Randall is wearing a blood soaked rag around his arm.

Rooney runs right up to the house and slams himself hard against the door, bouncing off and hurting himself, a beat later Ervin smashes through the front door. Rooney runs inside. Randall stumbles up to the door and almost passes out right at the doorway, Ervin catches him and pulls him in, Rooney slams the door and presses his body up against it.

Rooney

WHY DID YOU BRING RANDALL?

Ervin

I didn't know there would be that many!

Randall

Dammit Rooney I can take care of myself.

Rooney

You got BIT Randall

Randall's arm has been bitten, it's gruesome.

The inhuman sound of shrieking can be heard getting louder and louder, closer and closer. Ervin inspects Randall's bite.

Ervin

We have to get this treated immediately, the infection has already started.

Randall

Can we cure me before I turn into one of them?

Ervin takes a small plastic package out of his pocket and tears it open. It’s a syringe. He gives Randal a shot.

Ervin

I am going to give you a shot of anti-venom, it’ll help slow the spread of the virus but it’s not a cure. We need to get him to a hospital asap or he’ll turn.

Rooney

If we go outside, we DIE!

Ervin

If we stay here HE dies.

Rooney presses a button on his shoulder mounted radio.

Rooney

DOPE this is Rooney, I need assistance. My team and I were assigned to a vampire removal but there were WAY more than you said there’d be. Randal got bit! We need -

A voice comes over the radio, it's automated.

Voice on the radio

'Due to a high number of calls your request has been put in priority sequence, please wait for the next available operator.'

The three men share a look.

Ervin

How many are there?

Rooney looks out the window of the small cabin, as far as he can see there are zombie-like vampires pouring out of the woods towards the cabin. The sheer number of the vampire force makes Rooney's face go white.

Rooney

Lots.

Fadeout. Title.

SCENE 2:

INT – Cabin – Night

A small cabin, the guys have barricaded the door with what little furniture they have, Rooney is pressed against the door holding back the vampires trying to get in. Ervin is tending to Randall's wounds.

Randal
Can you keep them from getting in that door?

Rooney

Probably not

Ervin

You have to, I am over here trying to keep Randall’s infection from spreading.

Rooney

Maybe if you didn't break the lock...

Ervin

We had to get in didn't we?

Rooney

We have to get OUT, we have to get to the car. Where is it?

Randall

I don’t know, I lost track of it when we started running.

Rooney

What do we have for weapons? I could only grab one shitty stake before I had to bail.

Randal

They bit me when I tried to grab our solar-lite rifles, I didn’t get anything.

Ervin

Does anyone have more anti-venom?

Randall

We have lots but all of it’s in that car.

SMASH.

A vampire breaks through the window barricade. Ervin stands to face it.

Randall

The WINDOW!

Randall sees a couple more vampires making their way through the window and springs up to re-enforce the window barricade, bracing it with his weakened body.

The vampire in the room lets out a frightening hiss, Rooney moves to back up Ervin. At the door a hand pokes through the opening, the vampires threaten to break through in a second, Rooney jumps back to the door and seals it. Ervin on his own has to deal with the vampire.


The vampire pounces on him, Ervin gets a death grip on it around its throat and he's pushing it away from his body; keeping its fangs just out of reach of his jugular. Rooney and Randall are both spending every bit of their focus keeping the rest of the monsters outside.

Ervin reverses the position with the vampire, he's on top and he begins to ground-and-pound it. The vampire takes a beating but it's incredibly resilient, he screeches at Ervin and mule kicks him across the room. Ervin is slow to get up, in the background we see the vampire pounce at him once again.

Ervin spins around and catches the vamp underneath the armpit and around the head a gives it a ‘Rock Bottom’ through a table.

The table shatters and Ervin grabs a broken fragment. He reaches to the sky and as the vampire roars he strikes down and stabs it in the heart. The vampire starts to glow.

Rooney

You did it! He's going to turn into dust now.

Pop. The vampire explodes and his entrails cover the room and all 3 men. All three men take a beat to spit vampire bits out of their mouths.

Voice on the Radio
'Due to a high number of calls your request has been put in priority sequence, please wait for the next available operator.'

Scene3

INT – Cabin - Night

Ervin is nursing his wounds, Rooney and Randall are manning the barricades. We can hear the vampires howling outside. Rooney takes notice.

Rooney

That can’t be good. Do you think they're signaling for more to come?

Ervin

Either that or they can smell our blood and it's driving them into a frenzy.

Rooney

Ervin this door isn't going to hold and Randall's passing out at the window barricade. We need to make a break for it while he can still move.

Randall

It’s about 4 hours until daybreak, we need to hold out here for as long as we can.

Rooney

You really think he can make it 4 hours?

Ervin doesn’t answer, the look on his face is one of skepticism and doubt.

It's silent for a beat

SLAM! The door is hit hard, Rooney flies across the room. Another smash and the door gives way. Several vampires enter the cabin and gather just inside the doorway.

Ervin picks up a broken piece of wood for a weapon just before the window barricade smashes apart and Rooney is pulled outside. Randall lays unconscious at Ervin’s feet.

Ervin backs up as 5 vampires stalk him like a pack of wolves, circling and surrounding him.

EXT– Outside the cabin window.

Rooney is being dragged away from the cabin by 2 vampires, they drag him a few feet and then turn on him. Rooney kicks one in the face and then immediately starts running for his life. Even at over 6 feet tall and taking long strides, he can only manage to stay in front of them by a matter of inches.

Rooney runs into the dark woods with two hungry vampires chasing him.

INT – The cabin

the vampires growl and hiss and close in on Ervin, Ervin removes his shirt and gets primal.

ERVIN
Come ON!

The vampires close in on him, three hang back while two of them pounce on him. He kicks one in the chest and sends it flying, the other takes him to the ground. Both vampires are on him, Ervin kicks and struggles desperately, narrowly avoiding being bit again and again. The rest of the vampires watch on, each one of them frothing at the mouth.

In the background Randal wakes up, his eyes no longer look human. He twitches and squirms on the ground, the transformation into a vampire is beginning and it looks painful.

Scene 4:

EXT– the woods – night

Rooney is in a full sprint through a dark woods, two ravenous vampires are only feet behind him. Rooney stumbles and falls in the blackness, the vampires are closing in, all Rooney can do is crawl behind a bush and lay still. Hoping the vampires will keep running past.

They don’t, they stop. They hesitate, Rooney’s afraid to even breathe for fear of being heard, he stays hidden. The vamps are confused, they sniff the air and listen. They’re ready to pounce at the first sign of life, Rooney is tense. 

Rooney’s radio squawks loudly.

Voice on the Radio
'Your call is being forwarded to one of our operators, please stand by.'

Rooney runs, the vampires are on him instantly. Rooney weaves through the forest, fighting off two vampires who’re right on his ass.

OPERATOR
Hello, please state your name and the nature of your emergency.

Rooney presses the button to respond as he runs, dodging vampires the whole time.

ROONEY
This is Rooney Rodman, I am being chased through the woods by two vampires.

OPERATOR

Ok and do you have your case number so I can go ahead and access that file?

ROONEY

NO! I need you to hack into my truck and set off its alarms RIGHT NOW!

OPERATOR

Without a case number it’s going to take me a few minutes, hold the line.

Rooney has managed to fight off and stay ahead of two blood thirsty vampires by the skin of his teeth but the adrenaline he’s running on can only last for so long. He’s starting to noticeably fatigue.

Scene 5:

INT – CABIN

Ervin is fighting for his life in the cabin, throwing off vampires as they lunge for him, hitting them with anything he can get his hands on. In the background Randal is fighting a losing battle not to turn into a vampire, thrashing around on the ground.

EXT – WOODS

Rooney is knocked to the ground, he has almost nothing left. He crawls forward, the predator behind him stalking him waiting to strike at any moment.

His radio comes to life.

OPERATOR
I see this vehicle was signed out by Rooney Rodman, I will have to fill out a 'failure of care' form which we’ll need him to sign, a 'failure of care' report will remain on his record for 6 months. Stand by while I complete your request.

The predators close in, ready to pounce.

The alarms sound.

The sound of a very loud alarm explodes through the quiet night, the vamps are startled. Rooney acts quickly and stakes one vampire, it explodes and Rooney is back off to the races with the other vamp in tow. He runs towards the sound of the alarm.

INT – CABIN

Inside the cabin the vampires are all reacting with fear and confusion to the sound of the alarm. In the confusion Ervin manages to take 2 vampires out in quick succession but he’s beat. Ervin falls to his knees, he hears a soft and familiar but at the same time inhuman voice call out to him. It’s coming from Randal, Randal is close to turning. The last of his human side wants Ervin to escape before it’s too late.

RANDAL

Ervin…run.

The sound of the alarm stops and the 3 remaining vampires turn their attention back to Ervin.

EXT – WOODS

The vampire is in hot pursuit of Rooney, Rooney can see the car. The vampire is two steps behind. Rooney reaches the car, the vamp is one step behind and it’s about to slam into Rooney at full speed. Rooney pulls out a glowing rifle, turns and fires a blast of bright light (sunlight) into the charging vampire.

The vamp explodes, its wet particles shower Rooney.

Scene 5:

INT - CABIN

Ervin is in a deadly fight with the remaining 3 vampires, he's not doing well. The vampires surround him, he's badly hurt but still swinging. The blood that's pouring out of him is driving the vampires into a frenzy like a pack of hungry sharks, they fight over him; which allows him a moment's distraction. He readies a sharp piece of splintered wood behind his back.

The largest vampire wins the battle of dominance and the right to eat Ervin, Ervin is on his knees and has almost nothing left. The vampire grabs him by the throat and gets nose to nose with him. He senses Ervin is resigned to his fate and goes in for the kill.

Ervin grabs the vamps by the back of the head and pulls him closer, in one swift motion he plunges the stake upwards into the vampire's chest. It lets out an agonized howl and explodes.

Ervin falls limp to the ground, the other vampires are excited and all move on him. Ervin is barely clinging to consciousness.

The room lights up, the vampires cringe. It's not the sun, it's headlights from a car. The headlights silhouette one figure standing in front them.

It’s Rooney he pumps the Solar-lite rifle and steps closer to Ervin.

Rooney
Ervin we’ve got a medical response team on their way, don't move.

One vampire screeches, the blood flowing off Ervin is more tempting than it can stand. It pounces on Ervin.

Rooney blasts it in midair, it explodes and covers the walls in bright red gore. The other vampire goes after him immediately.

The vampire screeches violently at him before springing forth in his direction, Rooney falls back and blasts. The explosion of guts cover him again.

It’s quiet, Ervin gets up to his knees.

ERVIN

Rooney, where’s Randal?

Randal springs out of nowhere and pounces onto Ervin, he sinks his teeth into Ervin’s neck. Ervin screams.

Cut to black.

Scene 6:

INT– DOPE HEADQUARTERS/LUNCH ROOM

A close up on Ervin’s bite scar, his neck has some very infected looking bite marks.

ROONEY

Damn!

RANDAL

Sorry about that Ervin, I wasn’t myself.

ERVIN

It’s cool, I am just glad we got you back.

RANDAL

Yeah really.

Randal rolls up his sleeve and shows off his disgusting bite mark.

RANDAL

You should see the scar on my chest.

ERVIN

What happened to your chest?

RANDAL

Rooney tried to stake me.

ERVIN

Damn Rooney.

ROONEY

Well, he pounced on me. Besides I didn’t get you in the heart, I got you in the nipple.

ERVIN

Randal how close did the doctors say you came?

RANDAL

They told me that if I finished feeding on you I would have turned completely.

ERVIN

Rooney saved us both.

Rooney hold up a small piece of paper.

ROONEY

(sarcastically)

Yeah and check this out they gave me a special $100 bonus for risking my life and saving the day…oh wait, this is a bill. They’re deducting $100 off my pay for getting a ‘failure to care’ form on the car.

ERVIN

I’ll pay that bill.

ROONEY

Yeah obviously.

Beat

ROONEY

Hey Randal, when you bit Ervin as a vampire how did he taste?

RANDAL

Honestly? It’s hard to describe. When I tasted your blood Ervin it was like…have you ever woken up in the middle of the night feeling completely dry and desperate for a drink of milk? You know when you finally get out of bed and pour yourself a glass, that feeling of the cold milk going down your throat, the taste, the feeling of completely satisfying that strong craving…that’s what drinking your blood felt like. At the time.

ROONEY

Damn.

ERVIN

Damn.

Beat

Cut to black

-END-