A Computer Full of Dicks - Rewrite

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks.

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

I barely even used the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and when I went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started watching a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't snitch.

BENJAMIN
You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right of him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet.

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

His looked exactly how I thought it would.


OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis did not display the characteristics we're looking for. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt! 

GORDON
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit! 

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

Well I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

Zero chance of that being true. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are? Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying. 

ANDRE

All of you are lying.

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP

I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.  

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN

You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY

Yeah.

BENJAMIN

NO Jeremy.

GORDON 

Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE

Jeremy, don't talk. You'll just say something that makes this worse.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

JEREMY

I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP

and why not?

JEREMY

Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP
Questions?

JEREMY
Everybody always asks me questions about everything I do.

CONRAD

Yeah! Like “Jeremy why are you laughing at the ceiling fan?”

JEREMY

Imagine if it was like a helicopter and it made the kitchen fly away.?

GORDON

Or “Jeremy, why are you carrying a dead bird?”

JEREMY

I didn't know it was dead, it didn't start off that way.

ANDRE

Or “Jeremy why are you crawling around in Benjamin's room?”

BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess.

CONT'D...